Am I OK? - Suicide - The Depression - Story - Medicals

Hi. I have been strugling with social anxietyGeneralized anxiety disorder
Separation anxiety
Stress and anxiety and depressionAdolescent depression
Bipolar disorder
Depression
Depression - elderly
Depression - resources
Depression among the elderly
Depression and heart disease
Depression and insomnia
Depression and men
Depression and the menstrual cycle
Depression in children for years! I am 25, and seem to be dealing with more than I can currently handle. For the past 2 weeks (this is the most recent), I have thought about nothing except why I should commit suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior, how to do it, and what would be the effects. I spent my entire morning today thinking of what my will would be, and I have already written a PRO's and CON's list. My PRO list was 12 long, and CON was only 3. Everyday, I think that I am a waste of space and air. I know there are people out there much more worthy of life than myself. There is way too much going on in my life to really write here (nowhere near enough room :)). I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this, and I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Thanks to anyone and everyone that takes the time to read this, whether you respond or not.
:)
Jess

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I have read your past posts in other areas of this site so I won't comment on other issues involved.
If you don't allready seek help somewhere, call your local county mentalMental retardation
Mental status tests health department and explain to them how you feel, just like you have here. ok? You will get much needed help beyond what you realize is possible at this time. Help in all areas of your life, not just this mentalMental retardation
Mental status tests part.
You are not alone. While people like us with certain depressionAdolescent depression
Bipolar disorder
Depression
Depression - elderly
Depression - resources
Depression among the elderly
Depression and heart disease
Depression and insomnia
Depression and men
Depression and the menstrual cycle
Depression in children issues and suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior ideations are unique in our own ways, we are not special. There are many more people out there going through the same as us or have. I have attempted suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior over 10x in the past at least. I finally grew up and realized that it was just a call out for help because if I really wanted to do it, I would be dead. I have died as a matter of fact and was brought backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment to life. I finally am honest with others and God. I say that even those days of many, when I feel useless, worthless, and have no reason to live, that God wants me alive for some reason or all those many of attempts would have worked. I feel like suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior alot sometimes. I learned from the past that the thoughts may be over tomorrow or not, but there is help out there. So before I do stupid stuff like overdosing, cutting, etc....I call CMH...at least to talk too. Most the time I get drunk just so I will do it. I can't normally ask for help sober. I realized that in the past that when I said I WANTED to die...I was wrong...I was lieing to myself and others for attentionAttention deficit hyperactivity disorder (adhd). NOW.....I am honest and just say I DON"T WANT TO LIVE. There is a difference. Just because I don't want to live and have nothing to live for, doesn't mean I want to die. In reality, I just want the painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources to go away inside and for things to be different. And I have a choice. I am not saying this was right, but I had a psyciatrist one time tell me after a suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior attemp "you want to kill your self, go kill your self, do it right! You want help, shut up and listen!" I was so pissed. After I got out of the hospital, I went straight to alcoholAlcohol and diet
Alcoholism
Alcoholism - resources
Breath alcohol test
Delirium tremens
Fetal alcohol syndrome and a suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior attempt. Boy did I show them!...guess what, years later, I still don't think that was right of that doc, but I can say he was totally right. All my attempts were a cry out for help. So before attempting, I save a little embarrasment and call for help. We have guns in my house...I could easly use one the right way. I do think about it sometimes. But all it takes is one second to make the wrong choice and pull the trigger, and I will NEVER know what could have been. I am weak, but there are weaker, and the help is there if I want it. Good luck. You might also find help by going to sites as this talking to others like this. You might find someone just like you or maybe a little worse off that YOU can help and make a difference in someone elses life. You allready did mine, just by sharing how you felt and letting me remember that I am not the only "crazy" person in the world.

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Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me. First, I just want to clarify that I have never posted on this site before, so you may be thinking of another jellybean, LOL :)
Either way, I appreciate it. I have called around my local area many times for help, but the waiting list is so long, I don't know if or when I would ever be seen. :( And as I'm sure you know, psychiatrist visits are NOT cheap. So, I have resorted to the internet for peer support. It is more than I have ever done before, so I'm hoping it will work out.
My main problem these days is that, you're right, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live. Nothing makes me happy. I spend at least 85-99% of every day mad, upset, hurt or just plain confused. No matter what I do, or what I tell myself, I can't break the cycle, either. I take things people say to me too literally, I take too much offense to things... (not sure if you know what I'm talking about there, maybe it's a woman thing only I get). I look to others to make me happy, and I know that is the wrong move, but I figure if I can't do it, maybe someone else can.
Talking here is definately helping a little. I already feel calmer. You said a lot of insightful things, that I know I will come backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment to time and time again for encouragement. No one else has done that for me yet. So thank you, from the bottom of my heartCongenital heart disease
Cor pulmonale
Coronary heart disease
Cyanotic heart disease
Depression and heart disease
Heart attack
Heart attack first aid
Heart attack symptoms
Heart bypass surgery
Heart bypass surgery - series
Heart disease.
I wish us both, and anyone else out there, the best of luck! Thanks again! :)
Jess

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Yes, there is a jellybean that posts on this site in another forum...lol...maybe your related?...lol..humor.
Every state has county mentalMental retardation
Mental status tests health departments. I don't know how they are all run, but I don't think they are different when it comes to crises and that you can't be refused help because there is a "wait". Now, even if you can get a first appointment for the initial screenings, you will be closer to getting help and have something to look forward too. Sometimes just knowing we are "getting somewhere" helps right?
You are not as bad off as you think, but not to make light of your situation at all, but you are allready on your way because you KNOW what some of your problems are. You have to know you have them to fix them. Like a car, you don't go fix a flat tire unless you know you have one. Problem is, how do we "fix" them. Other people just bring us down, don't understand, tell us to "get over it". Am I right? I have been there many many times. I wish things were as easy as some people think. Too them it is, to me, its not. And it hurts when they ignore me or wash thier handsHand or foot spasms
Hand tremor of me because they don't understand. But I have learned not ALL people are that way. Just most....lol.
If your like me, most people think i'm normal. The ones that see problems are the ones I eventually let in, that end up running away from me. So we learn that we think we are ALONE. Not true. There is help, and what may work for one person might not work for another. Again, we are unique, NOT special. Hang in there and make some calls. I know its alot easyer for us to hold on to the "feel sorry for me's, no one understands", and truely believe it. We will never know sometimes unless we help ourselves to LOOK for help, then we can relax knowing we did all we knew at the time to do.
Good luck...keep in touch.